The last word on New Year's resolutions

By McGill Reporter Staff

There seems to have been less space devoted to trite and stale stories about New Year’s Resolutions in the mainstream media this year.

Whatever the reason for that – reporters watching their industry tank were probably too depressed to start cracking wise over what we should all resolve to do or not do – the McGill Reporter has gamely vowed to fill this crying need with some (albeit late) suggestions for New Year’s resolutions for 2009.

So, for those of you who, like the major media, neglected to make your annual wish list of what you should or shouldn’t do this year, here are some ideas:

1) I will resolve to shut up, about the global economy and the federal Canadian political situation, in hopes that they will then both go away.

Failing that, I will,

2) Resolve not to look at my investment portfolio reports for at least six months and, when I do, to look at them only in the presence of a trained psychiatric professional. On a related note, if I am a professor or a TA, I resolve to abstain checking said portfolio immediately prior to marking essays or mid-terms.

3) I resolve to forget about making resolutions about losing weight. I will need the extra bulk to keep warm during what appears to be a much harsher winter than Environment Canada’s Dave Phillips predicted. He needs to resolve to not get our hopes up so much.

4) If I work or study at Burnside Hall at McGill, I resolve to improve my bathroom hygiene habits and keep the facilities cleaner for everyone.

4b) If I work or frequent the Brown Building, I resolve to apply Resolution #4 with equal vigour.

5) If I am a Montreal Canadiens fan, I resolve to climb aboard the bandwagon and stay there. No jumping on and off when things don’t go perfectly. And I won’t throw Alex Kovalev under the bus until at least the end of the season.

6) As a Martlets fan, I resolve not to sneer at every other university women’s hockey team on the planet.

7) I resolve to read more and waste my TV time on reality shows less. Starting with my course assignments.

8) I resolve to speak, read and write more in the other official language, ’stie.

9) I resolve to do at least one thing I’ve never done before in my life. Starting with finishing all my course assignments.

10) I resolve to visit a library, for the pure pleasure of the books.

11) I resolve to give a student the benefit of the doubt. Just this once.

12) I resolve to take in a play, a lecture, or a concert at McGill in the next three months.

13) I resolve to read every issue of the McGill Reporter in 2009 from cover to cover. [Hey, our publication, our list, OK?]

14) I resolve to spend less time interacting on Facebook and more time interacting face-to-face.

15) If I am McGill staff, I resolve to take in one graduation ceremony during Convocation to see just how important my work at the University really is.

16) If I am a McGill student, I resolve to smile at – and maybe even say “thanks” – to the staffers who help support my academic endeavours.

17) I resolve to forgo growing a retro Derek Sanderson-style Fu Manchu moustache just because I can. It looked cool on Sanderson and I should just leave it at that.

18) I resolve to visit the Redpath Museum at least once this year and, if I am a parent, I resolve to pry my kids off the Wii for a few hours in order to attend one of the Redpath’s Sunday Discovery Workshops so we can actually have fun learning something for a change.

19) I resolve to adopt a McGill sports team and take in a few games to rediscover the joy of amateur athletics played by athletes who, though highly skilled, are true amateurs.

20) I resolve to bike more and drive less when the weather permits. On a related note, regardless of my mode of transportation, I resolve to respect the rules of the road – especially in front of the Roddick Gates.

21) I resolve to explore the natural beauty of McGill, be it cross-country skiing through the Morgan Arboretum or bird watching at the Gault Nature Reserve.

22) If I am a researcher doing field work, I resolve to submit a Notes from the Field article for publication in the McGill Reporter.

23) I resolve to catch the Mac lumberjacks in action at Macdonald Campus at the end of January – regardless of how cold it is.

24) I resolve to compost – even if it means sharing my apartment with a handful of hungry worms.

25) I resolve to stop bad-mouthing the University of Toronto… but then again, maybe not.